Something came up in my feed today that made me pause. I had to think hard on it for a few minutes in order to get to what was nagging me about it.
Then it hit me and it seemed so simple but profound.
The post was about a man who said he tortured a woman he loved for five years by not “choosing” her. By not choosing her – committing himself fully to making her his one and only – he let her flaws get under his skin, and he wondered if there was maybe another woman out there who would be easier to love. Eventually this emotional disconnect grew to a point where the relationship ended.
There was pain. There was heartbreak. There was a lesson.
He said that he would never not choose a woman he loved again. He would choose her and make her the one and only.
It was a great read, and very true – but I realized that there is another level to this idea. Another one-sided facet, if you will.
We have a tendency to do this to ourselves. We do not choose ourselves for a variety of reasons, and we torment ourselves with it. Sometimes for a lifetime.
Look back and tell me when the last time you had a moment of “what if” or “could be” or worse, “should be/have.” Was it last week that you criticized yourself? Yesterday? This morning? How often do you look at yourself and sneer a little, or cringe?
When do you find yourself looking at your flaws and saying “Someone else would be easier to love?”
I could start a list of common things people don’t like about themselves, but that could fill a book. And you know what those things are for you. You don’t need to be reminded, because you’re reminding yourself already.
Each day we find something that we don’t like about ourselves and we pick at it until it’s festering in our minds. We look back over our lives and say “I should have done that.” “I could have been great.” “Why didn’t I . . .?”
While we are bound to ourselves because we can’t be anyone else (because everyone else is already taken,) we refuse to choose ourselves. We turn away a little bit and say “Others are less flawed. Others have their shit together. Others are more worthy of love than me.”
When the truth of the matter – a truth that most of us do not want to face – is that nobody is more worthy of our love than we are.
Let me repeat that . . .
Nobody is more worthy of our love than we are.
Yes, there are people in our lives that we need to take care of. That we desire to take care of, and doing so brings us a sense of contentment and completion. There is nothing wrong with that.
But too often I am seeing people who are using taking care of others as an excuse to not care for and love themselves. The insidious part of this is that some use this as a mask to engage in a passive aggressive method of self-punishment.
On the outside they are busy people who get things done and taken care of, but really what they are doing is depriving a person who they feel doesn’t deserve their full attention because they are flawed and problematic.
So I challenge you today to be honest about how often you criticize yourself. How often do you engage in activities that push you away from YOU? How often do you try to fix yourself, but what you’re really doing is denying who you really are?
How often do you consciously refuse to choose yourself, because you think there might be something better out there?
Write it out. Talk it out. If you need someone to hold the space for you, drop me a message and we’ll work out a time for a session – because you deserve to be heard. The real you. And you deserve to be chosen.
Choose you. Choose you and see how it changes your life.