I am moving the world today. The ground shakes when I walk, and I can feel the energies of the Universe shifting and swirling in my mind and in my belly.
This is a sensation I’m familiar with, but yet I’m getting to know it like it’s new.
It even has a name. Once upon a time, I named it “Tempest.”
That way when I was acting out of sorts and a bit insane, when I was crawling up the walls and resisting the urge to break something I could explain it to my husband. I could tell him “Tempest is rising.” and while he would worry, he wouldn’t ask what was wrong again.
I used to hate this feeling. I was so afraid of it. When the Tempest rose even a couple years ago, ugly things happened. I would find myself howling like a wounded animal, muffling the sound with a pillow. I would have heart palpitations, full blown panic attacks, and occasionally found myself lying on the floor, wondering if I was dying.
Checking out of my reality was always tempting, and I’ve had to watch myself carefully around alcohol or any mind-altering substance. I even had to make sure I didn’t try to overload my mind with pain in order to ignore the whispers in my mind and the sensations in my body.
I had wicked insomnia, and late at night when it felt like something was trying to claw its way out of my core, and my head felt as though it would burst, I would look in the mirror and wonder if I really was insane.
This was brutal. It was years of torture, going through this internal battle and questioning my own sanity.
I’m having a hard time not hitting delete on this right now, then BURNING the pages of my journal I wrote this on! This is mortifying to write and publish, because I feel like it makes me sound nuts. Please refer back to my previous comment about questioning your own sanity.
But I realize that this will only sound nuts to those who haven’t experienced something like this. That raging inner storm that you think is going to tear your footing loose and rip you out into the black waters of the unknown.
And if you’re anything like me, you got so close to letting go so many times. To let the Tempest take you and seeing where you washed up.
Yet the fear of change stopped me. Afraid of the voices that begged and dared me to see what Wonderland lied at the bottom of the rabbit hole. I asked, “What if it’s just dark and cold there? What if the madness I’m dealing with now is just the start? What if I can’t handle what’s down there?”
The fear of what I was capable of kept me clinging to normalicy. (A normalicy that I knew was a farce, because I’ve never been normal, but we all tell ourselves lies that help us sleep at night, don’t we?)
So I suffered for years. Corey was my anchor (although somewhat reluctantly, because he has always had more faith in me that I have in myself) but every time the Tempest rose I felt my resistance to it eroding a little more.
But here’s where the turning point comes in . . . (just so you don’t think this is a sob story!)
Over the last couple years of reconnecting with my angels, interpreting my dreams, exploring my gifts as GIFTS instead of curses, and owning my weirdness, I realized something profound . . .
I get the same sensation when I’m writing something I’m passionate about. When I hit home with a client and we make a breakthrough, it’s the same feeling – except it feels amazingly good.
Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner, that The Tempest was my Calling knocking on the doors of my soul. It was my gifts trying to stretch and grow. It was my spirit asking to show what it is made of.
It was my wings trying to grow, and I was chopping them off repeatedly.
No wonder I felt physically and mentally ill.
Since I got pregnant and I’ve been working on my gifts, Tempest hasn’t risen much. I’ll feel it when I’m working, but not in a full blown mind-bending way . . . until today.
I work up feeling like something was prodding me. I just wanted to sleep, but it was like someone was in the room with me. Then I heard a whisper – the kind that is more in my head than my ear – say “Carpe diem.”
I knew it was just me and Brom in the room, so I knew some kind of games were afoot. I could feel the Tempest then, and I felt dread rising with it. But I knew ignoring the whisper wasn’t an option, so I got up.
As I was dressing, I felt the swelling, flying feeling of the Tempest and I tried to shove it down.
Then the whisper again, “Why?”
I processed this for a minute, and then said, “I’m listening.”
“You do not fear the storm. You are the storm.” The irony of that statement was not lost on me.
This was followed by a piercing, shattering sensation in my solar plexus. I processed this for another minute, and could have sworn someone was smiling at me.
So started my day, and I let go. I let go of that façade of normalicy and let the waves sweep me into those dark waters. I closed my eyes and fell into the rabbit hole. I let my wings sprout and grow, and I’m soaring on the storm.
So why write this? Why put all this strangeness out there? (Especially when I worry it makes me sound like a lunatic!)
Because I know you can relate with this feeling. Maybe not quite how I described it, but you recognize what I’m talking about. I know you’ve felt it on some level – feeling a little tremor in your gut when you wonder if you were made for something more than this. A twinge of panic when you think about your job or a certain person.
Maybe a dose of glee-infused madness when you’re doing something you really, REALLY love. When you “let down your hair,” and you live in the moment, having the time of your life and giving zero fucks what anyone else thinks.
That is the true you, screaming to be acknowledged. Your potential is calling – your Sources are brushing against your spirit, wishing you would heed their whispers.
What I have learned is that the Tempest points you toward your true passions. It isn’t a scary storm trying to destroy you – it is a force of nature that you have created in your deepest realms, where you know what you really are, and where you ought to be.
There is no reason for your Tempest to drag you down or drive you mad.
And obviously you can gain an insane amount of clarity in one day, and start applying it so that it helps instead of hinders you.
When is it that you feel your Tempest? What do you think it’s telling you? And how can you learn to ride that storm instead of running to the storm cellar – which will do nothing but keep you hiding from your potential.
Tell me . . . please. 🙂
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